Terence Mulligan Jr.

the sun, through clouds


 We all know of that beautiful time of day,
You know, when the sun is right above the
Roof of your head, beaming down, the sun
Makes everything a little bit more stressful–
Not just because of the heat, we all know that in a way
Provokes murder. The sun also blinds you.
Temporarily, unless of course, like our parents say 
You stare at it. But it’s hard for a kid not to 
Stare at the big beautiful golden ball in the way. 

******                       

          HAWKINS, laughing. You think Ma gon’ let you bring that mess inside? She don’ even 
let me make the scarecrows inside no mo’. You stay shootin’ for the moon.

          HAWKINS’ brother comes from the shed holding
                       A pellet gun in one arm, and an                       
         Empty beer can in the other. On his head is 
                       An american flag bandana with a  
         Soldier’s helmet over it.                       

         OTIS, aiming the rifle at the sky. Yeah boy, and one of these days I’m gon’ hit it. Shoot 
that sucka right outta the sky, watch me Hawk. They gon’ come knockin’ on the do’ one day
 talkin’ bout some “Where be that brother Otis? The pantha’s calling for ‘em.” And I’ll be gone,
 fighting the power and what not. Stopping them from taking over South Africa and Haiti and The
 South.                                                   

******                       

Things like running from home
Stealing money from your moms purse 
Refusing to do chores, homework 
Cursing your parents, let alone any elder
Not looking after the youth of the family 
Putting yourself above said youth 
Putting yourself above the elders 
Splitting poles
Sweeping someone else’s feet
Putting your hat on the table
Dropping a fork
Whistling inside a house when you pay no bills
Disliking your skin color
Disliking your beautiful brown skin color    

******

Wandering aimlessly
                        Through the bushes
                             I have no idea where I’m 
                        Going–Things are never
                                                  What they seem

But I will figure it out
                          One day, there was a
                                                 Beautiful image of the 
                          Cliffs beyond. The things                       
                                                                          I do truly wish were                       

Mine. Through the bushes
                                       I could see the future
                                                                          That we began 
                                       To build for each other                       
                                                                          Out beyond the cliffs

There are few things that are
                             Mine. You are not one of them                    
                                                               Because to say I own you

Would kill me. 
                             The disrespect 
                                                               Is a bullet.

But this bullet is like                                   
No other the way
                                                                        It flies through
                                    The air, doing flips                                       
                                                                         Filthy tricks                    

It sure is a show off                    
                                    That damn bullet
                                                                        Of disrespect.                       


******

                                                   

That big beautiful golden ball
Is working it’s way over the cliff
In the distance. It’s making the sky a
Beautiful mixture of colors. Something I
Wasn’t expecting from such a dangerous creature.                                                   

                    

******

                                                   
On a hike beyond the village
I recognize a certain smell,
That of weed and spinach.
Who’s around? I couldn’t tell. 
Peering through some bramble
That looked like it’s been walked on
I see a little fiddle,                       
But no owner to play a song.                    
                
I turn around as I hear a stick snap
But as I turn around, I feel something in my back. 
With a little Negro in front of me
And a knife behind
I say my final farewell
As my life declines.


******

          HAWKINS, crying. You really think they got ‘em Ma

          MA, sitting beside him stoically. I think I know what they done told me. And they said he
 gone. You don’ trust d’law, go an’ talk to ‘em yo’ damn self. I ain’ fightin’ yo battles ya’ol life.

          HAWKINS, sniffling. Ma, I ain’ eben say al’at though and you jumpin’ d’gun.

          MA, lighting a cigarette. Otis should’ve tried that.

                    

******

                        

There are also things like:

          Coming home late
          Getting caught with drugs
          Selling drugs (don’t get caught) 
          Stealing anything (don’t get caught) 
          Joining a gang (don’t get caught)                                                   
       

******


Don’t get caught messing around 
With a white woman while you're in 
Their neighborhood.

You might not come back 
In one piece.
If we’re being honest, 
You might just end up             
In the same predicament as that
Pig roasting in your backyard.
Only they not gonna eat you,
The last thing they want is Negro meat in they mouth 
Even if they wives do,                       
They gone pawn your burnt and
Chopped up body to the
Highest bidders. So, kind sir,
Don’t get caught messing around
With a white woman while you’re in town.

                                                   
******                    
                        

Ice water in my veins
I got ice water in my veins 
Flowing through my body 
I don’ feel no pain

Walk a mile in my shoes                   
Who gon’ walk a mile in my shoes? 
These ol’ things worn down
But I ain’ got many to choose                       

Ice water in my veins
Sweet cold water in my veins 
Help keep the devil out
Be dancin’ in vain, he do

Took a job from them pinkies 
Some nice work in the mine 
Brick came through my window 
And a note, read “it’s time”                       

Tried to scare me out of town 
Fools tried to run me out 
Tried to uplift my crown 
They screamed a big shout

          “You ain’t wanted around here 
          Taking jobs from us good folk
          We tryna stay away from you all 
          Show your face again and I’ll poke”

Shouldn’t have said all that smack 
To an already mad Negro
I sure did go home, alright
And I packed me a duffle

Ice water in my veins
Got me some ice water in my veins 
Mixed a little bit with that
Brown syrup for the pain  

Clunking down the road
I see a group of them white boys 
Hanging on they trucks
I see they got they own toys

Before I can reach             
For what I had packed 
They surrounded my car– 
I was under attack

                       

******


          OTIS, running through unidentifiable brambles. What the f–

                       

******

                       

Weeks have passed since I've last seen him
So much so that the scent of dinner
Makes me cry
Because he's not here

So much time has passed
Since I’ve last heard his voice
Sometimes the wind blows through the house 
And I think it’s him cursing the heavens

Holding onto hope that bad things
Are only a facade
Holding onto hope that those that disappear 
Are just attempting a magic trick


******


They held it in my face
Far enough away that I couldn’t bite it,
Close enough that I could smell the ingredients.                       

          “You wouldn’t know a good cut
          If it came off your own body, boy.”

I was pushed to the ground
With more force than used to move 
An ass.
They wanted me hurt
Physically, mentally, spiritually.                          

They showed me, in three moves, 
That torture was not stopping,
Not anytime soon.
This was torture for centuries to come.                    

It’d been so long since food
Passed between my teeth
I’d forgotten what nourishment was,
But smelling the meat they held before me 
Made me feel nourished.         

          “This pig knew his daddy longer 
          Than you knew yours.”

Starvation is the first tactic,
Followed by that is the emotional breakdown. 
Whispering in my ear, they berated me
They told me I was dirt,
That my daddy sold me,
That my momma sold herself,
That my brother does nothing but drink,
That all of us with skin the color of earth
Are bound to hell, and the dirt.

They kicked me while I was down
Told me I was to stay down,
And while they screamed this
They readied the third and final task.
They gave me a plate, with all of the helpings 
Pork chops, potatoes, greens, rice, I could go on, 
They said,

          “Okay, joke’s over. Rise to your feet.
          Come on, we got you something to eat.
          Can’t you tell we wanted something?
          Don’t hold a grudge, have some robitussin,
          We’ve still got to work the mine together,
          So how about we say you just under the weather?”

                       

******

          MA, sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette, looking at the sky. Ef you really gone, and 
boy I hope na’, I’m sorry. Dere be a millon things I coulda said differen’. So many ways I coulda 
shown my love deepa. I was hard on ya, and for that, I’m sorry. I try my best, I do. Da Lawd 
know, he know I werk hard as a ox raisin’ two boys. Guess this Him saying, can’t raise two boys 
with jus’ one woman. Hawkins missing you. He walk roun’ d’ouse all day with his head low,
 mumbling some smack. He keep your rifle under his bed now. Think he wan’ get took next. He 
stopped making them dolls too. He just walk roun’ with his head down, or straight up, looking at 
d’sun. I ask what he doing that for, “sun gon’ melt yo’ eyes” I say. He don’ answer, mouf glued
 shut nowadays. But here I am, eyes locked on the hebens, I’m looking for you. I wonder what
 you been doin’.             

          HAWKINS, walking through the door to outside. Too many clouds right now, can’t see 
the sun. No use in talking to him, he won’t hear.

                       

******

                       

There I sat, with my fishing pole between my legs 

Writing these final goodbyes to the

Family I left behind

We thought that would be the end

When I went away with the scouts

They said I would be fighting for the country 

The things that Papa fought for.

Freedom, so that me and Hawk could be freemen 

You know, walking the walk that the big dogs do 

We ain’t all had that handout from the gov’ 

Anyway. Yeah they told me to go ahead and fight 

They told me the trees on the other side was 

Worth knocking down.

They told me that when I was done I’d be home                    

Home with y’all

I’m sorry, I know I probably couldn’t make it back 

If I could, we’d be talking. We’d be laughing. 

We’d probably be crying, still, as well

                       

******



          HAWKINS, crying. We could’ve stopped him. Then we wouldn’t need to be talking to the sky.

          MA, smoking her cigarette, also crying. They tell you not to stop your kids. I didn’t stop you 
 making them scarecrows, just moved you. And now look at the crop.                       

          HAWKINS. I tried to call him, I used the telephone in my bosom. I tried to call him up from my
 heart. I needed my brother, and it didn’t work.

                    

******


          OTIS, screaming. FREEDOM, 

                     FREEDOM

          FREEDOM.                    
                
                                           

****** 


          HAWKINS, crying. It’s a long, long way from his home.



****** 

You’re a long way from where you 

         Belong

Where you belong is somewhere 

            Where the heart is.                    

                    

****** 


          OTIS, crying. Sometimes, I feel. Like we’re almost

          Screaming, FREE.                                    
                           

******

                                   

          HAWKINS, on the porch smoking a cigarette. I feel, sometimes, as if the sky watches over us.
 Like you were supposed to do

          MA, also smoking looking at the heavens. Who told you to take my smoke? 



******


There are some things that you think come... 


******

                       

          OTIS, crying. FREE

                       

******

                       

          HAWKINS, screaming looking into the heavens. MA I CAN’T SEE. SOMETHING’S WRONG,
 MA, HELP ME.

         MA, smoking her cigarette, calm, cool, collected. Baby. I told you. You can’t look at Him for too 
long. He takes things from us that we care too much about.